Friday, 31 August 2012

Caped Conversations: Batman and Robin Have "The Talk"

Batman: Tim, can you come in here for a second? I need to speak with you.
Robin: Sure, is everything ok?
Batman: Yes, yes everything’s fine. It’s just that I’ve noticed that you and that Stephanie girl have been seeing each other for a little while now and I think it’s time we had “the talk”.
Robin: Wow! Bruce, thanks and all but I’ve already had the sex talk. Like 4 years ag….
Batman: Look! This is kind of awkward for me so I’d appreciate it if you just let me power through it.
Robin: It’s really not necessary..
Batman: So when a superhero and a girl love each other very much then sometimes something special will happen…
Robin: I’m a child-genius. I know what sex is!.
Batman: So you’re aware of the potential consequences of you and that young lady making love?
Robin: YES! I know all about pregnancy.
Batman: No, I meant the thing about her inevitably getting murdered.
Robin: Of cours….Wait! Hang on! What?
Batman: After you guys have sex she’ll probably die
Robin: Bruce…Did anyone have the sex talk with you? I mean, I know your parents died when you were a kid and all but I thought that Alfred would have…..Look! Sex doesn’t kill people!
Batman: Of course it doesn't, but when a superhero makes love with a woman she is usually immediately murdered by one of his many enemies.
Robin: What? That can’t be true.
Batman: Well they don’t always die I suppose. Some of them turn evil.
Robin: This is your idea of a joke isn’t it?
Batman: Look, Aqualad's girlfriend? Dead! Elastic Man’s wife? Dead! Flash's wife? Dead! or erased from the timestream or some bullshit! Green Lantern’s girlfriend? Dead!
Robin: Wait. Which Green Lantern?
Batman: Pick one! It doesn’t matter.
Status of GL's wives and girlfriends (from left to right): Dead, Dead, Evil, Dead (twice!), Dead.

Robin: What about Superman’s wife? They’ve been married ages and she’s still alive.
Batman: Yeah, no thanks to her. If that clumsy cow falls out of another helicopter or gets abducted again I think Supes is just going to leave her to it. Just let Darwinism take it’s course you know?
Robin: I don’t believe this!
Batman: No, really. Metropolis’ kidnapping statistics are worse than Columbia’s because of her.
Robin: So anyone I ever have sex with will die?
Batman: Pretty much. Why do you think I gave you such a stupid costume? I hoped it would drive the girls away.
Robin: I knew it!


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