Thursday, 3 May 2012

A Deleted Scene from 'The Avengers'.

Before I spend two pages making fun of the film I need to point out that Avengers is absolutely amazing. Go see it. Now, I'll wait. I wholeheartedly believe that it deserves an Oscar or...like, all of the Oscars. Best Foreign Language film, Best Animated Short, all of them.
I was so in love with the film that I broke into Joss Whedon's house and stole this part of the script that never made it into the final cut. Enjoy!

Scene 54: Exterior. New York.

Manhattan lies in ruins as Loki's army wreaks havoc on the island. In the centre of the chaos one, brave group of heroes regroup and get ready to save the Earth...or avenge it!

Captain America: Okay guys. We either stop them here or not at all, we don't get another shot at this. Stark! I want you at the perimeter. You have to keep them contained or nothing we do here matters.
Iron Man: Got it!
Captain America: Thor, we're going to be swamped soon unless you can slow them down as they come through that portal. You've got lightning. Use it!
Thor: Aye my friend! Many foes will fall tonight before the might of Mjolnir!
Captain America: Hulk.... just, you know, try and kill more of their guys than ours.
Hulk: HULK MAKE NO PROMISES
Captain America:  Black Widow, you stay on the ground with me. We'll clear the ground troops street by street.
Black Widow: Sounds good to me.
Captain America:  All right. Let's show them what's Earth made of! Avengers! Move out!
Hawkeye: Hey! What about me?
Iron Man: Sigh!
Thor: Is he still here?
Captain America: Oh... Hawkeye. I've got a special mission for you. Get up on one of those buildings and...coordinate. Yeah. See if you can spot a pattern to what they're doing.
Hawkeye: Oh Bullshit ! I'm an Avenger too! Fury said you had to let me help!
Hulk: HULK FEEL EMBARRASSED TO BE EVEN STANDING NEAR POINTY STICK MAN.
Captain America: Look Hawkeye, it's just that your particular skill-set isn't needed here.
Hawkeye: But we're overrun. You're going to need my bow!
Iron Man: Sure we do! I mean one of these guys just shrugged off a direct hit from a fucking Gatling Gun but yeah! I'm sure that arrows will work.
Even a musket would be an improvement. Technologically speaking.

Captain America: Actually. Since you brought it up. Why don't you just use a gun like a normal person? I mean, I'm from the past and even I think you're backward.
Hawkeye: That's rich from the guy who's main weapon is a fucking manhole cover. You guys think you're so much better than me!
Iron man:  Why don't we do a quick head count? One unstoppable rage-monster,  a super-soldier that can apparently survive 70 years frozen underwater, an actual Norse God, one supermodel/assassin and a devilishly handsome mecha-playboy. Oh yeah! and Katniss fucking Everdeen!
Thor: Who?
Iron Man: You know. That chick from 'The Hunger Games'.... Anyone?  Shut up! Pepper wanted to watch it!
Hulk: METAL MAN PUSSY WHIPPED
Captain America: Look, getting back on topic here. Hawkeye, forgive us if we're dubious as to the effectiveness of arrows against flying, laser-robot-aliens.

Every one of these nameless extras is better equipped to handle an alien invasion.


Hawkeye: But these are really sophisticated arrows! I have explosives and flash bombs and stuff.
Iron Man: So what? I can, quite literally, shoot flashbangs out of my ass!
Hawkeye: Fuck you guys. I am the world's best bowman!
Captain America: We know and that's very impressive. All we're saying is that, in an alien invasion, that makes you about as useful as the world's greatest catapult operator or someone who can throw a rock really, really hard.
Black Widow: But if we're ever fighting Orcs or, I don't know, 15th century France we'll give you a call.
Hawkeye: How come she gets to stay and not me?
Captain America: Because she actually uses guns like a sane person and, well, look at her!
Iron Man: Is there any way we can trade you for that one from How I Met Your Mother that's also in this movie? It's a bit of a sausage-fest at the moment. And, who knows? She might actually be proficient with a weapon developed in the last couple of centuries.
Hawkeye: You're all dicks!
Captain America: Look, can you do anything else? Aside from the embarrassing bow-and-arrow thing?
Hawkeye: It's been pretty heavily suggested that I'm sleeping with Black Widow.
Thor: So....mind control then?


If you want to read more articles that will probably piss off fanboys then why not check out A Message to the Author of the 'Game of Thrones' Series or read about why Letterland was Kind of Fucked up!


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