Thursday, 27 October 2011

(Presumably) How the First Haka Happened.

So this week the French rugby team have been slapped with a fine of 2,500 New Zealand Dollars (No idea how much this is in real money. Probably about a tenner). The fine was given because the French team failed to respect the All Blacks Haka ceremony. 'Failed to respect' in this case meaning 'stood near and held hands'.
What with this being slightly topical and having absolutely no other ideas for this week's article I thought this would be an interesting time to study the Haka. Look into it's history and origins and try and uncover how it came to be used by the New Zealand team.
But that sounded like a lot of work so I just made up this instead. Enjoy!


New Zealand Player: Hey, Sorry coach. Do you have a sec?
New Zealand Coach: Sure. What’s up? You guys all set for the match?
Player: Yeah we’re ready. But the lads and I wanted to….  You know what? Forget about it! Never mind.
Coach: What?
Player: No…you’ll only laugh.
Coach: Spit it out man! The way you lads have been playing lately you can do whatever you want. Hell! You could do a fucking choreographed dance number for all I care!
Player: Really? Because that’s actually exactly what we want to do.
Coach: Haha! good one! What do you really want? Hookers? It’s hookers isn’t it?
Wrong  sort of hooker

Player: No, I’m serious. We had a team meeting and we decided that we want to do a little dance before the match.
Coach:…... Are you sure you don’t want hookers?
Player: No thanks, we’ve got our hearts pretty much set on the dance thing. We’ve been practicing and all.
Coach:  Well… I can’t say that it's not a bit weird but I suppose there’s no harm in you guys doing a bit of a team building dance in the changing room before you go out on the field. Whatever you need to do to get motivated.
Player: Actually, we want to do it out on the pitch.
Coach: … You, as a rugby team, want to go out in front of thousands of people, as well as the opposing team, and do a dance?
Player: Yeah, we think it will be intimidating.
Coach: Well the thought certainly scares me.  Look, the ship hasn’t sailed on the hookers.
Player: No thanks. We think it will help psych us up and get the crowd going.
Coach: What about if we get you cheerleaders to do the exact same thing?
Player: Nope, I think the crowd would prefer to see 15 twenty stone men prancing around instead.
Coach: Okay, fine! You can do it this once.
Player: ......We were kinda hoping that we could make regular thing of it.
Coach: What? Do a dance before every game? Won't that get really irritating during the World Cup if we have to watch you guys express you're emotions through interpretive dance before each mach?
Player: No, I don't see this ever getting old.
Coach: Look, How the fuck am I going to explain that to the match officials? ‘Sorry ref you wouldn’t mind if my lads did a bit of a quick chorus line before we start?’
Player: We’ve thought of that. We’ll just say it’s a Maori war dance. They have to let us do it if it’s cultural.
Coach: Why the fuck would they let us do a Maori war dance before a match?
Player: Because we have players of Maori heritage on the team.
Coach: We have players of English heritage on the team. That doesn’t mean we’re allowed do the fucking  a fucking Morris dance before each game.
Player: But the ancient Maori warriors would do it before each battle!
Coach: Ancient Celtic warriors went into battle without any clothes on but you don't see the Irish team coming out bollock-naked!
Although female attendance would increase 1000%

Player: Please coach! We’ve been practicing really hard!
Coach: Jesus! Are we really so good at this sport that we have time to practice choreography?
Player: Pretty much.Yeah!
Coach: Look, will people not think this is a bit…gay?
Player: Coach this is a sport where large men stick their heads between each others arse cheeks. Dancing is going to look pretty tame in comparison.
Dancing would actually butch up this situation

Coach: I suppose you’re right.
Player: Besides, look at the fucking size of us. Who’s going to say anything about it?
'Say Something. We dare you'

Coach: Okay I’ll see what the officials say. Does the dance have a name?
Player:  Yeah it’s called ‘How Angels Kiss Adoringly’

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