Friday, 31 August 2012

Caped Conversations: Batman and Robin Have "The Talk"

Batman: Tim, can you come in here for a second? I need to speak with you.
Robin: Sure, is everything ok?
Batman: Yes, yes everything’s fine. It’s just that I’ve noticed that you and that Stephanie girl have been seeing each other for a little while now and I think it’s time we had “the talk”.
Robin: Wow! Bruce, thanks and all but I’ve already had the sex talk. Like 4 years ag….
Batman: Look! This is kind of awkward for me so I’d appreciate it if you just let me power through it.
Robin: It’s really not necessary..
Batman: So when a superhero and a girl love each other very much then sometimes something special will happen…
Robin: I’m a child-genius. I know what sex is!.
Batman: So you’re aware of the potential consequences of you and that young lady making love?
Robin: YES! I know all about pregnancy.
Batman: No, I meant the thing about her inevitably getting murdered.
Robin: Of cours….Wait! Hang on! What?
Batman: After you guys have sex she’ll probably die
Robin: Bruce…Did anyone have the sex talk with you? I mean, I know your parents died when you were a kid and all but I thought that Alfred would have…..Look! Sex doesn’t kill people!
Batman: Of course it doesn't, but when a superhero makes love with a woman she is usually immediately murdered by one of his many enemies.
Robin: What? That can’t be true.
Batman: Well they don’t always die I suppose. Some of them turn evil.
Robin: This is your idea of a joke isn’t it?
Batman: Look, Aqualad's girlfriend? Dead! Elastic Man’s wife? Dead! Flash's wife? Dead! or erased from the timestream or some bullshit! Green Lantern’s girlfriend? Dead!
Robin: Wait. Which Green Lantern?
Batman: Pick one! It doesn’t matter.
Status of GL's wives and girlfriends (from left to right): Dead, Dead, Evil, Dead (twice!), Dead.

Robin: What about Superman’s wife? They’ve been married ages and she’s still alive.
Batman: Yeah, no thanks to her. If that clumsy cow falls out of another helicopter or gets abducted again I think Supes is just going to leave her to it. Just let Darwinism take it’s course you know?
Robin: I don’t believe this!
Batman: No, really. Metropolis’ kidnapping statistics are worse than Columbia’s because of her.
Robin: So anyone I ever have sex with will die?
Batman: Pretty much. Why do you think I gave you such a stupid costume? I hoped it would drive the girls away.
Robin: I knew it!

For more Caped Conversations check out:

Sunday, 26 August 2012

Caped Conversations: Robin's costume.

Robin: Hey Bruce…can we talk for a second?
Batman: Can it wait? The Calculator has hijacked the diamond exchange.
Robin: Bruce. It’s the fucking Calculator. We can take our time. Hell! Send Alfred!
Batman: Yeah fair enough. What did you want to talk about?
Robin: Well, I just wanted to ask about my costume.
Batman: What about it?
Robin: You designed it right?
Batman: Yes. I based it on your old “Flying Graysons” gymnast’s outfit.
Robin: Right....and at any point when designing a uniform for a 12 yr old to go up against armed criminals in did you think ‘Hmm. Maybe a bright red and yellow leotard isn’t the best choice’.
Batman: No… I mean, I thought you’d want to wear it.
Robin: You thought that I’d want to wear a constant reminder of my family’s grisly death?
Batman: Well, I do.
Robin: Yeah but at least your fucked-up death tribute is an armour-plated, ninja exo-skeleton.
Batman: Robin. Your suit is weaved from an advanced Kevlar/Carbon-Fibre polymer. It't fire-proof, stab-proof and it can stop a hollow-point at 15 feet.
Robin: It had fucking better! It’s bright red, green and yellow. I draw more gunfire than a Judge Dredd artist! And what about the large parts of me that aren’t covered by the suit?
Batman:…This is about the short shorts again isn’t it?
Although, to be fair, his quads look like they could deflect bullets on their own

Robin: You’re damn right it’s about the short shorts! Why can’t I just wear pants like…literally every other superhero!
Batman: We’ve talked about this. The shorts serve a very important purpose. When criminals look at you they see a small child in an, admittedly ludicrous, pair of neon green short shorts and not the highly trained crimefighter that you are. They underestimate you and so you always have the upper hand.
Robin: That is true.
Batman: See, I told you…
Robin: In fact. They’re usually so busy pissing themselves laughing at me that they can’t even defend themselves.
Batman: This crusade is not about our own personal pride my young comrade. If we have to be objects of ridicule in order to protect the citizens of Gotham then so be it
Robin: Yeah but you get to say that wearing pants!
Batman: Look at it this way. Ever since you started patrolling in that outfit we haven’t even had to hunt down child-molesters. They’ve been queuing up to get arrested by you.
Robin:  You’re such an asshole!

Sunday, 22 July 2012

A Deleted Scene From The Dark Knight Rises.

Although I'm about to spend a few hundred words making fun of it I thought The Dark Knight Rises was incredible. I was so impressed in fact that I broke into director Christopher Nolan's house and found this deleted scene that never made it into the finished film for some reason

Warning: Contains mild spoilers for the film so if you haven't seen it yet then what the fuck is your problem!? Do you hate joy or something?

Scene 75: Interior Sewer. Selina Kyle leads Batman to Bane's lair in the tunnels beneath Gotham but it's a trap. As Bruce walks out onto the catwalk a gate slams shut behind him, sealing him in. As he looks for an escape route he's confronted with the hulking, enigmatic Bane.

Bane: We meet at last....Mr. Wayne.
Batman: What do you want in Goth....Hang on! what the hell is up with your voice?
Bane: What?
Batman: You sound like Sean Connery after a stroke. I thought you were supposed to be from the South America or something?
Bane: My place of birth is irrelevant all that matters is that the League of Shadows fulfills it's destiny...
Batman: Seriously, you sound ridiculous.
Selina: Hah! look who's talking!
Batman: Oh don't you start!
Selina: Your Bat-voice sounds like you tried to fellate a cordless drill.
Batman: It's intimidating!
Selina: You're a an armoured techno-ninja with explosives, throwing knives and a fucking tank! I think the scary voice is overkill.
Bane: She's right you know it is quite mmmghgh mmmbbbhhh mmmpppf.
Selina: For Christ's sake Bane! You know nobody understands half the shit you say right? You guys sound like you're having a ridiculous accent competition.
Suddenly Officer John Blake enters the sewer.
Blake: Bruce! Are you ok? We got a report that you were seen coming down here so I...
Batman: Oh for fuck's sake!
Blake: What?
Batman: Fuck off Levitt! This is my scene! You're already have more screen time than me and it's my god-damn movie!
Coming July 2012: Some Guy You've Never Heard of Before Rises

Blake: Can we make this fast? After this I've got to shoot 3 scenes outlining my dark past as an orphan and then another one where I discover what Bane is planning to do with the explosives.
Batman: This is bullshit! Before you were cast your character was called "Unnamed Police Officer #7".
Blake: You're just angry because your not Nolan's favourite actor any more.
Batman: All you Inception dickheads are hogging the best scenes!
Selina: I know what you mean. I'm fucking Catwoman and I have to share the love interest role with Marion Cotillard.
Batman: It's like Nolan doesn't love us any more.
Blake: Don't be silly! It's not like he shoehorned any of the other actors from Inception into this.
Cillian Murphy looks guilty and tries to hide behind a pillar

If you'd like to read more deleted scenes then why not check out
A Deleted Scene from the Avengers.

Saturday, 23 June 2012

Ireland's Euro 2012 (In Pictures)

Well thank goodness that's over!
Ireland made a hasty exit from the Euro 2012 championships earlier this week after a straight run of losses against group opponents Croatia, Spain and Italy. Now, obviously I'm disappointed, I'd have loved to see Ireland perform better and get through to the knockout stages but I like to look on the bright side and our early exit has at least one major silver lining. I no longer need to pretend that I understand football.
The Euros and Ireland's chances of success has pretty much dominated every conversation that I've had in the last two months and it's not exactly a topic that I know much, or indeed anything, about.
Over the last few weeks most of my conversations with male friends has gone something like this:

Well-Meaning Friend: Did you see the news? Can you believe that Trap might be putting Paul McShane in the squad?
Me: Well.. no. That is hard to believe, I mean the guy must be pushing 70 at this stage. Is that's what he's been doing since the last Pirates of the Caribbean movie? Football?

There's a slight chance I could be thinking of the wrong McShane.

So clearly I'm no football expert. Still, out of interest I had a look at all of the pictures from Ireland's Euro 2012 journey in an attempt to find some evidence as to why we performed so badly.
 I think I might have a few theories.

1. The players thought the ball was some sort of wasp.
Now I know what you're thinking. 'The Irish players barely touched the ball. Also. You're insane!.'  but think about it for a second. If the Irish players didn't think that the ball was some new species of dangerous wasp or bee. How do you explain pictures like:

'Oh shit! Maybe if I shut my eyes it will go away. Fuck! Is it gone yet?'

'Arrghh! It's on my head! It's on my head! Get it off!'

'Dunne! Don't move! They're like T-Rexes. It can't see you if you stay still!'

'For fuck's sake man! Close your mouth or else it will fly in!'

2. Shay Given had some sort of nervous breakdown.
Shay Given had a tough job this year. The Irish defence during the competition could be generously described as 'not there' and I believe that all the stress took a toll on poor Given's sanity.
His pictures from the tournament are basically give a blow by blow account of his mental breakdown.
It actually looks like he's resorted to trying to use 'the force' in this one.

He seems to have caught the 'football/wasp' confusion from the other players here.

I'd make a joke about the look on his face here but he genuinely looks like he's about to cry.

'No...I'm ok...I just need to sit down and...just...just weep for a little while'

'Seriously. Fuck you guys.'

This wasn't a flare. Given eventually just exploded out of sheer embarrassment. [Citation needed]

3. Trapattoni consistently looks like someone's Grandad that has gotten lost.
Strong leadership is the key to any victory. Unfortunately for Ireland, Giovanni Trapattoni looks less like an international football manager and more like somebody's elderly uncle who's walked onto the pitch by mistake.
'Robbie, He's been like that for ten minutes now. I think he might be dead'

'Go on! Check his pulse.'
'Fuck off! You check it! I think he's shat himself'

'He knows that he's shouting in the wrong direction right?'

Richard Dunne gently leads Trapattoni off the pitch and back to his carers.

My investigations also turned up something glorious. Once in a lifetime a man will manage to express the sentiments of an entire country. Below, Ireland captain Robbie Keane conveys how everyone in Ireland felt about their performance in the Euros with one facial expression:

For more:

This entry was written entirely without the help of Adam Dunne.

Tuesday, 15 May 2012

Prototype 2 is Awful and Amazing. It's Amazawful

Well folks. It finally happened. At 5 O'Clock on Friday I finished my last exam in college. Now, assuming I didn’t fail horribly, this means that I’m no longer a student and so if there are any glaring errors in this piece it’s because I’ve drank so much in the last couple of days that I may have killed that part of my brain responsible for understanding how words work.
The most important part of finishing college though isn’t the celebrating, or the terrifying fact that now I have to get a real grown-up job and figure out what to do with the rest of my life. It’s the fact that I can finally start playing my Xbox again.
I stopped playing games at the start of my final year when it became obvious that if I was to have any chance of graduating I was going to have to stop spending 8 hours a night getting mercilessly butchered by Korean 14-year-olds in Call of Duty and start spending it pretending to study in the library instead. Unusually for me, I actually managed to exhibit some small degree of willpower on this issue and so I haven’t played Skyrim, Arkham City, Mass Effect or any of the other half-dozen awesome games released this year.
But on Saturday I kissed my burgeoning social life goodbye and settled in to catch up on what I missed.
Now, I haven’t gotten Skyrim yet (you’ll know when I do because I will fall off the face of the planet for two months) and so the first game I played was Prototype 2. A sandbox game where you play a psychopath with super-powers.
"What?This? This is just my unnecessarily spiky giant arm-sword. Nothin' special"

I loved the first game because the main character’s’s super strength, ability to glide, shapeshift and contort his limbs into deadly weapons allowed players to answer the age-old question:

What if Superman had absolutely no moral compass?’.

The sequel has a few strange issues that I'd like to address though. Namely:

  1. The main character is a fucking moron.
The protagonist of Prototype 2 is Sergeant James Heller and he makes very, very bad life decisions.
In the opening scene his squad is wiped out when the ‘hero’ of the first game, Alex Mercer, fucks a car at their troop carrier. Heller is thrown clear and manages to sneak up on Mercer while he’s, I don’t know, rifling through the dead people’s pockets or something. Catching Mercer, the murderous demi-god, unawares Heller attacks him...with a fucking knife! 
Now for those of you who haven’t played the first game you should know that Mercer is a super-being capable of shrugging off multiple missiles to the face. The only reason he even notices the stab wound that Heller gives him is because it gets blood on one of his popped collars. 
He looks like when he's not tearing though armoured vehicles he works in Urban Outfitters.

Seeing that Mercer survived a slit throat without even flinching makes Heller reassess the situation and…try to stab him again?
 Heller’s supposed to be an Army Sergeant. It’s established at the start that he knows exactly who and what Mercer is. But fucking hell! Even if he didn't, he just seen the guy tear through a fucking tank about 20 seconds before!
The knife isn’t even his only option. His squadmates are lying all around him with guns that they certainly aren’t using any more. But no, Heller decides to keep attacking the dude that can survive airstrikes with a sharp piece of metal.
Mercer, unsurprisingly, sees this as more of an annoyance than a threat and eventually just bitchslaps Heller and then infects him with a virus that gives Heller all of his powers because if someone’s trying to kill you then the smartest thing to do is make him 10,000 times more powerful (maybe I should change the title of this entry to ‘Every character in the game is a fucking moron’?).
Heller’s stupidity isn’t an isolated incident either. Later in the game he meets a scientist who was actively trying to kill him about 40 minutes earlier. Heller refrains from tearing his anus out through his mouth because the scientist says that he's actually been on his side the whole time… a fact that Heller pretty much just accepts it straight away. 

Scientist: Me? I’m not evil I swear! I’m on your side. Please ignore the fact that I was infecting civilians with a lethal virus literally about 60 seconds ago.
Heller: Well. Sounds like you’re on the level. Sorry for intruding.

Sure enough, the scientist turns out to be lying and later tries to kill Heller with a helicopter. Something that could have been avoided if he had, I don't know, maybe asked even one follow up question.
Although I suppose I can't really blame Heller for having trouble telling who the bad guys are because...

 2. It's kind of hard to tell who the bad guys are.

Heller is portrayed in the story as a hero who is struggling to save the innocent New Yorkers from the evil Gentek and Blackwatch corporations. Now, I'm not saying that Gentek and Blackwatch aren't bad guys. They’re cartoonishly evil in fact and not a scene goes by where one of them doesn’t expound on his love of dissecting schoolchildren or shooting kittens. It’s just, as bad as they are, Heller’s not much better.  You see, he actually recovers health by, no shit, eating people. I'm sorry game developers but it’s really hard for your character to have the moral high ground when he's still got some poor bastard’s eyeball in his teeth.
There’s also the fact that Heller is controlled by me and, well, I’m usually less concerned with the plight of my fellow man than I am with seeing how far I can shot-putt a car off the top of a skyscraper.
 But even if I did give a shit about innocent civilians, it’s pretty much impossible not to kill them by accident anyway. Heller becomes so absurdly powerful that towards the end of the game even waving in someone’s general direction is enough to mutilate everyone within a three block radius.
There was a time in the game when I wanted to shove a truck out of my way so I could get passed. I tapped a button once to knock it aside and suddenly I had caused spikes to shoot out of the ground instead, impaling everyone standing within 20 feet of me.
"Shit! I did not mean to do that! My bad..... You OK buddy?"

Of course, I didn’t exactly mourn these deaths, instead I went ‘Holy fuck! I can do that?’ and proceeded to try again in a more populated area because, well…

  1. It’s a really good thing that I don’t have superpowers.
The most important thing I learned from playing Prototype 2 is that I'm pretty much a sociopath. Turns out that given the chance to liberate New York from oppressive military fascism and genetic monsters I instead choose to use my powers to fuck shit up!
My revolutionary 'giant arm spike' approach to cleaning up the streets

In fact ‘fucking shit up’ became my first and only real priority in the game. The only reason I even did any of the story missions is because it unlocked new and increasingly spectacular ways to fuck shit up and also more areas for me to fuck shit up in.
This made the game unintentionally funny on more than one occasion. There was one bit where I was on the phone to a support character, a priest called Father Guerra, talking about the state of the city. At the end of the call Guerra dramatically said ‘The city is even worse than we thought. These people need our help!
Which I found hilarious because I was currently plowing a hijacked tank through a crowd of pedestrians at the time.

Father Guerra: I’ve located Blackwatch’s command centre. Finally we can liberate New York from their tyrannical rule.
Me: …Yeah
Father Guerra: With their leaders out of the picture the rest of the organisation will crumble and this city can finally begin to heal itself.
Me: Cool…sounds good
Father Guerra: Are you even listening to me? What’s that noise?
Me: Nothing! I’m just out….liberating the city. You know?
Father Guerra: Really? Because it sounded a tank being dropped off a building onto a school bus.
Me: ...I don't know what you're talking about.
Father Guerra: Oh for fuck's sake man! We've talked about this!

  1. It’s fucking awesome.      
 Did those last 3 points sound like criticism? Sorry. Allow me to clarify my position with one picture.

Fuck! Yes!

I love this game with every fibre of my being….which is good because, after watching me gleefully murdering civilians with aerial tanks for 20 minutes, my family has forbidden me from ever having outside human contact ever again.
Now if you’ll excuse me. I have to shapeshift into an old woman and then slaughter a whole scout troop. 

For more evidence that I'm not ready to become a functioning member of society why not check out A Deleted Scene From 'The Avengers' or A Message to The Author of the 'Game of Thrones Series'.

Thursday, 3 May 2012

A Deleted Scene from 'The Avengers'.

Before I spend two pages making fun of the film I need to point out that Avengers is absolutely amazing. Go see it. Now, I'll wait. I wholeheartedly believe that it deserves an Oscar, all of the Oscars. Best Foreign Language film, Best Animated Short, all of them.
I was so in love with the film that I broke into Joss Whedon's house and stole this part of the script that never made it into the final cut. Enjoy!

Scene 54: Exterior. New York.

Manhattan lies in ruins as Loki's army wreaks havoc on the island. In the centre of the chaos one, brave group of heroes regroup and get ready to save the Earth...or avenge it!

Captain America: Okay guys. We either stop them here or not at all, we don't get another shot at this. Stark! I want you at the perimeter. You have to keep them contained or nothing we do here matters.
Iron Man: Got it!
Captain America: Thor, we're going to be swamped soon unless you can slow them down as they come through that portal. You've got lightning. Use it!
Thor: Aye my friend! Many foes will fall tonight before the might of Mjolnir!
Captain America: Hulk.... just, you know, try and kill more of their guys than ours.
Captain America:  Black Widow, you stay on the ground with me. We'll clear the ground troops street by street.
Black Widow: Sounds good to me.
Captain America:  All right. Let's show them what's Earth made of! Avengers! Move out!
Hawkeye: Hey! What about me?
Iron Man: Sigh!
Thor: Is he still here?
Captain America: Oh... Hawkeye. I've got a special mission for you. Get up on one of those buildings and...coordinate. Yeah. See if you can spot a pattern to what they're doing.
Hawkeye: Oh Bullshit ! I'm an Avenger too! Fury said you had to let me help!
Captain America: Look Hawkeye, it's just that your particular skill-set isn't needed here.
Hawkeye: But we're overrun. You're going to need my bow!
Iron Man: Sure we do! I mean one of these guys just shrugged off a direct hit from a fucking Gatling Gun but yeah! I'm sure that arrows will work.
Even a musket would be an improvement. Technologically speaking.

Captain America: Actually. Since you brought it up. Why don't you just use a gun like a normal person? I mean, I'm from the past and even I think you're backward.
Hawkeye: That's rich from the guy who's main weapon is a fucking manhole cover. You guys think you're so much better than me!
Iron man:  Why don't we do a quick head count? One unstoppable rage-monster,  a super-soldier that can apparently survive 70 years frozen underwater, an actual Norse God, one supermodel/assassin and a devilishly handsome mecha-playboy. Oh yeah! and Katniss fucking Everdeen!
Thor: Who?
Iron Man: You know. That chick from 'The Hunger Games'.... Anyone?  Shut up! Pepper wanted to watch it!
Captain America: Look, getting back on topic here. Hawkeye, forgive us if we're dubious as to the effectiveness of arrows against flying, laser-robot-aliens.

Every one of these nameless extras is better equipped to handle an alien invasion.

Hawkeye: But these are really sophisticated arrows! I have explosives and flash bombs and stuff.
Iron Man: So what? I can, quite literally, shoot flashbangs out of my ass!
Hawkeye: Fuck you guys. I am the world's best bowman!
Captain America: We know and that's very impressive. All we're saying is that, in an alien invasion, that makes you about as useful as the world's greatest catapult operator or someone who can throw a rock really, really hard.
Black Widow: But if we're ever fighting Orcs or, I don't know, 15th century France we'll give you a call.
Hawkeye: How come she gets to stay and not me?
Captain America: Because she actually uses guns like a sane person and, well, look at her!
Iron Man: Is there any way we can trade you for that one from How I Met Your Mother that's also in this movie? It's a bit of a sausage-fest at the moment. And, who knows? She might actually be proficient with a weapon developed in the last couple of centuries.
Hawkeye: You're all dicks!
Captain America: Look, can you do anything else? Aside from the embarrassing bow-and-arrow thing?
Hawkeye: It's been pretty heavily suggested that I'm sleeping with Black Widow.
Thor: So....mind control then?

If you want to read more articles that will probably piss off fanboys then why not check out A Message to the Author of the 'Game of Thrones' Series or read about why Letterland was Kind of Fucked up!

Wednesday, 18 April 2012

Zeus is a Huge Pervert.

Mount Olympus - 750 BC
Ares: Hey Zeus! Where are you off to?
Zeus:  OK. Keep it quiet but I'm about to head down to earth to have sex with a mortal.
Ares: Nice! You want me to tell Hera you're working late agai.....Hang on!? What are you doing?
Zeus: Transforming into a swan. What does it look like?
Ares: A swan? I thought you were going to have sex with a mortal woman.
Zeus: I am. Just as a swan.
Ares: Why not just become a human? How would the Swan thing even work anyway? The differences in physiology alone would...
Zeus: Do not dare question the King of the Gods!
Ares: Jesus! Ok. calm down!
Zeus: Who's Jesus?
Ares: Never mind

'Maybe if I put my, and then my Fuck! I did not think this through.'

Some Years Later
Zeus: Hey Ares check this out. I'm totally about to get with this Europa chick!
Ares: Europa? Oh man! She's pretty hot! Have you decided how you're going to play it? Maybe appear in a bolt of lightning? Or assume the form of her husband?
Zeus: Nah man. Listen to this. I'm going to transform into a bull and trick her into riding on my back for a while. Then when she least expects it I'll carry her away from her loved ones and have my way with her.
Ares: .....
Zeus: What?
Ares: Look, I guess I'm just confused as to why you're going through all the shapeshifting bullshit in the first place.
Zeus: Well what else am I going to do?
Ares: Just be yourself. Appear before her and say 'Hi. I'm Zeus, the all-powerful, omniscient Father of the Gods and I'd really like to buy you drink sometime. Bear in mind that if you say no I'm going to smite you with lightning.'
Zeus: Nah. I think I'm going to stick with the bull thing.  Oh what!? Don't give me that look!
Ares: Have you ever even seen a bull? You'll tear her in fucking half!
Zeus: Why do you always have to ruin everything? Are you the God of War or the God of Cockblocking? 
Ares: Whatever dude! Enjoy the beastiality.

In fairness though. What sort of person climbs onto a bull's back and expects things to end well?

Later Again

Ares: So we're agreed?
Zeus: Yes.
Ares: No more weird animal sex
Zeus: I told you! That was just a phase! Things were rough at home. I was under a lot of stress.
Ares: OK. So what's the plan for tonight.
Zeus: I'm meeting up with this girl  called DanaĆ«. Seems pretty nice. She's really into the whole 'omnipotent deity' thing.
Ares: Cool. And your definitely not going to transform into an animal this time?
Zeus: I swear to me that I'm not going to shapeshift...into an animal.
Ares: That's a relief. So what do you guys have planned?
Zeus: We're just going to meet up for a drink, talk for a bit, maybe go for a walk.... and then I'm going to transformintoagoldenshowerandraindownuponher.
Ares: What was that?
Zeus: I said we're going to get a drink. Just an amphora of wine or two to get her in the mood.
Ares: Yeah I got that. What was the last part?
Zeus: Oh you know.... I'm going to change into a golden shower and pour myself all over her.
Ares: You're disgusting.

Zeus was apparently the God of disturbing niche fetish porn.

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